What motherhood has taught me….

A mom shares lessons learned as she juggles her family and career….


November 2015

Update: My Mood Controlled….???

So after my horrific monthly hormonal upheavals led me to ask my doctor if I ‘d finally gone off the deep end and I learned instead that I had PMDD….

After doing battle with the insurance company who (unbeknownst to me must have obtained a medical degree) declined to cover the medication that my physician wanted to put me on, and instead sent her a list of those medications which they would cover and she’d need to choose from…

And, after waiting one extra month to start this new medication because the pharmacy was initially unable to obtain it in time for me to start it at the appropriate time of my cycle for that month…..

Finally, just last week, I was able to begin what I truly hope for me will be a    journey of calm.  While I am sure that it’s probably too soon to make any declarations of success or failure, and whether or not it’s currently all in my head, I do feel slightly different.  It’s as if a generalized calm has settled over me.  This is not to say that I don’t react and experience my usual emotional variabilities, but they don’t seem to be as exaggerated.  My reactions to events, occurrences, and antagonistic issues seemed to be less intense and more manageable – which for me is monumental.

So, while it’s still early on in this medication transition, I am cautiously optimistic that these early positive signs will be the emotional corralling that I have been seeking.  Only time will tell if this is the answer for me….


Words of Wisdom…Pearls to Ponder…

There is nothing more important and more meaningful than giving your children your full attention. Sharing in the little moments and being truly present with them creates memories that last a lifetime.

Words that warm your heart….

There are no words more powerful than when your children tell you “I love you mommy.”

The mirror doesn’t lie….

Taking a stab at writing a short story ….

  Currently I am standing on the precipice of absolute personal devastation and heartbreak.  I look back at the path that led me here and it’s fraught with personal flaws, miscommunications, and mistakes.  Am I truly what he claims me to be…. overbearing, uptight, and controlling?

I look in the mirror and think – I don’t always like the person looking back at me.  I see someone who is at times what he claims me to be.  I hate that person.  I don’t want to be THAT person and yet, the face looking back at doesn’t lie.  When the hell did I become “resting bitch face?”  God, what the hell happened to me?

There is no such thing as perfection.  It is an unattainable farce, a misrepresentation of reality, a certain recipe for disaster. If I only learned to accept that growing up that then maybe I wouldn’t have become the person I am today.  In looking to achieve what is beyond achievable I have managed to destroy what was very real as it relates to my part in all of this.

The love in his eyes is gone – replaced by a vacancy of coldness.  I long for the glance that used to send a shiver down my spine, that used to make my heart race, that used to make me break out in a smile…..Instead I see a glance that turns my blood cold, makes my heart lurch in my chest and brings me to tears.

His misery is to much to bear.  It only amplifies the failure of what was our path and makes that precipice so much higher.  The harder I tried to hold on the more he has pulled away.  I scream and I cry and to no avail – my actions only drive him further from me.

It’s cold here on the edge.  The wind whips around me while it carries the echoes of our arguments, the hurtful words, the shame, the disappointment.  I don’t know how to stop it from spinning and engulfing me.  I don’t know how to fix what is beyond repair.   I don’t know how to let go of the love I have for him.  I sob for the loss of him…..

If only I’d paid attention to the reflection in the mirror for the mirror doesn’t lie….






When Mom is Sick….

  So who takes care of mom when mom is sick?  Ahhh the million dollar question.  Especially if you are thinking, “Wait – mom can get actually sick and be sick at the same time?”  As moms let’s face it, we might get sick but rarely, if ever, are we actually allotted the luxury of being sick.  Dads, and no offense, this is a lost concept on you because the slightest sniffle and you are holed up in bed as if you are dying a horrible death that has under the current circumstances rendered you incapacitated.  For moms it is very different.  There is no “resting” and there certainly are no “sick days” when you’re a mom because let’s face it, shit still needs to get done.  There are kids to feed, to bathe, to run to after-school activities, and to do homework with; and then there are the million other adult responsibilities (i.e the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, etc) that are demanding your attention simultaneously in the delicate balancing act you call mother-adulthood.  So when we moms are afflicted with some ailment, we don’t put our pajamas back on, climb into bed, and call it a day; but rather we frantically rummage through the medicine cabinet taking as much of whatever it is we can find, in the acceptable combinations, at the allowed dosages to soothe our symptoms.  Our noses might be red, our eyes watery, and our heads heavy but it’s still game on…..

Words of Wisdom….Pearls to Ponder

Strength comes from lessons endured…

Wisdom comes from lessons learned….

Words of Wisdom….Pearls to Ponder

Once true strength comes not from speaking one’s mind, but rather from knowing when to be silent and listen….

Words of Wisdom….Pearls to Ponder

Do not measure your wealth by that which is tangible but rather by those who are in your life and the love that is in your heart….

The priceless reward that came from making time….

Yesterday I was one child short of my chaotic trio.  My mother-in-law had generously offered to keep my toddler with her for an overnight – an offer that I just couldn’t pass up – so that left just me and the boys (my husband was at work) for some long overdue mommy/sons bonding time.    Having the opportunity to sit down and play board games with their eager faces meant the world to them, as they quite often are vying for my attention amidst the antics of their sister.  It also did wonders for me as a mom riddled with the guilt of how little of my time they truly get because of all that I juggle.

I know I have written about this before, but the gift of our time is probably one of the greatest gifts we can give to our children.  Being able to be present in their lives, and to do so on all levels, shows them just how much they matter.  Interacting with them without the distractions of others, technology, or household demands fosters these tender relationships that, if given the right amount of positive attention, will only flourish over time.  I need to make more of an effort to be available to my children (especially my older ones), to make this time for them, and in doing so, show them just how much they matter to me.  My actions will speak louder than any words I utter to them.  And while making time when you’re a walking circus act is certainly is not without its challenges, the reward is and will always be priceless.

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